I am feeling rusty, It’s true when I took off writing I thought I would be back at least knowing where to start but it seems I do not. So, as usual, where do I start? Well, I guess I can start by giving a life update. Well, it’s my birthday month which means I am going to turn 25 for the 3rd time yay. I am excited to turn a year older, I am excited to see how this year is going to go, I am most excited to see what God has in store for me this year. OVERWHELMED? Yes I am very overwhelmed but also I am longing, Wait I am getting ahead of myself again let me backtrack a little bit and explain why I haven’t written until now.
As some of you know when I decided to take a break from writing I was going through a very bad time in my life. I felt like there wasn’t anything I could offer because In my limited view all I saw was pain and hurt. I hit rock bottom. You know, I can now relate to the quote by JK Rowling that says “Rock bottom became the solid foundation in which I rebuilt my life.” I have changed a lot from the girl I was a year and a half ago. Rock bottom is hard Y’all. I am not going to go into all the detail I think we should keep that for when I turn 30. Most of the times when I go through something bad I always wonder what’s going on in God’s mind, How can He possibly think I am able to deal or handle that kind of pain or loss.
Last year I felt really stuck in a lot of ways. I felt I had failed as a Christian, leader, and person really. I woke up most of the times feeling like there isn’t any purpose for me and that is the worst feeling in the world. It is very interesting how things like our job, romantic relationships can contribute a lot to who we are and how we feel about our lives and ourselves. Most of the times I couldn’t believe the pain that I was feeling in my heart, I was praying so hard but my situation wasn’t changing, was there something wrong with me? I got to a point where I felt I must have done something terrible because it felt like the Lord had turned his face from me. Now, I do believe God called me to something greater than myself. I am one of the people who believe the sky isn’t the limit. So being at a place I was last year I almost started to doubt it. I believed I am just going to be a memory. let us talk about friends, they are very interesting actually. I am grateful I have friends I can count on but it is interesting how many of the friends disappear when you are in a place of hopelessness when you can’t offer anything but just pray requests. Rock bottom reveals the truth about you but also the people you consider friends.
I am just happy life happened to me the way that it did. I am happy it threw me in the direction it did because right now I am enjoying growth, what’s crazy though is how I react to things in a way that I would never have done had I not gone through the things I did. It’s like rock bottom made me better crazy but true. I am happy with the person I am today, I no longer sweat small things, I have learned I really can’t change everything and I can only worry about things that I can change. My relationship with God isn’t the same it is way better, Just because God wasn’t giving me the answers I wanted it doesn’t mean He was silent it just means He was saying things I didn’t want to hear at that moment. I guess this is me telling you guys I AM BACK and I will write more this year.
I also want to encourage someone today life is crazy and can be really hurtful as well as unpredictable and that is very difficult when it changes and you feel like you are losing all of a sudden. Not sure what struggle you might be going through, I know of days that are so so dark and light seems a thing of the past. Days that you can actually feel your heart breaking and you just don’t even know where to start it hurts. I want to tell you it gets better. I do not know how or when but eventually it does. I wish I knew what to do when you feel like that then I would write a book but truth is sometimes there isn’t anything you can do, you can cry out to God and He hears and hurts with you He constantly says wait and be still but the pain is so much that waiting makes no sense. I want you to know that the sun will rise from the least expected places. You will love who you become, I want you to take it to him and realize you being where you are is preparing for the big picture, there is something you need to learn at this moment that will be helpful when you reach the top. It’s going to be beautiful in time.
“No life is more important than another. And nothing has been without purpose. Nothing. What if we are all part of a great pattern that we may someday understand? And one day, when we have done what we alone are capable of doing, we get to rise up and reunite with those we have loved the most, forever embraced…” Winter’s Tale, Mark Helprin.
“Have faith in God,” Jesus said, Mark 11:22
I hope you stay strong and know that it’s okay to cry when you pray. It is okay to tell God your frustrations. It is very okay to scream but it is important to know that it will get better and you will make it through, trust that He who began a good work in you is faithful enough to bring it to completion. Trust that He has your best at heart and you will be fine.