Hi, I suck at this blogging thing, I haven’t written in over a year so I am very rusty have some grace. The past year wasn’t the best for me, I cried, got mad and said mean things at God yes you read that right I was very mad and upset with him so I said things I should’t to Him but who am I kidding I do that a lot of times anyway, but that’s besides the point. Where was I? oooh Yeah, I struggled a lot with my faith in God and in my own abilities. The past year I learnt a lot about myself, about faith, my faith in God and finding comfort in the storm. I have known what it means to love the God who is than the God I want him to be, just like casting crown sings somewhere between my faith and my plan, somewhere between who I am and who you are making me, somewhere in the middle you find me, but the difference is I don’t think I was in the middle, I think I was way on the other side not even close to the middle, I struggled a lot with my surrender, with giving Him control or losing all control as I like to think of it, I trusted him and believed he will come through but when his answer was different I felt he had let me down and that He didn’t understand or had my best interest at heart, that made it very hard for me to say earnest prayers to him to even look forward to this year and to dream or maybe include him in my dreams.
I have learnt in the midst of life troubles faith don’t strive very well, sometimes unanswered prayers show us just how shaky our perceived strong faith can get, they show us the condition of our own hearts especially when God decides to play hard to get, thats when he is silent, The past year, I experienced lost opportunities, closed doors, rejection and broken dreams. I am not where I thought I would be no very far from it actually, My dreams are so big and make my heart ache with longing to achieve them but I feel so small and achieving them seems so impossible. I long for the day I will be happy with what I have done, not for me but for the people I want to serve, I feel God called me to serve, my dreams keep up at night thinking of how to achieve them sooner than later, closed doors make me wonder why I have such burning desires to serve and yet my doors leading there are glued or even nailed shut? Sometimes I feel I don’t take too many risks, sometimes I feel I am not good enough for God to use to bring healing and provide a home to others, most of the times I feel I have failed at life and I just want to give it all up. Sometimes I feel I have so much to share and I honestly just feel so frustrated when I think of where I want to be and the barriers in my way, This past year changed something in me, It’s like my hope meter broke and it can’t be fixed but my dreams have just met a new push and have decided they won’t let me know sleep but my faith has been weak, very weak like never before. Don’t get me wrong, I pray to God, I read my bible, I just find it very hard to pour out my heart, to take faith steps in the direction I feel he is calling me, I keep asking myself what if he doesn’t come through them I am more than screwed, I struggle to believe this year is going to be different that I will make a difference and that’s HeartBreaking.
But the TRUTH is, I am HERE, right where He: The Lord, The Father, wants me to be, that sometimes is a hard pill to swallow but it is the truth, I am found here for a reason, a perfect reason that He knows and it’s very necessary that I serve him now with all that I have, I give my all to his service to attain why He is putting me at the place I am, to love doing what he has called me to do in this season, to be HONEST, I am tired, I am weary, yes I am very frustrated but I am learning to go to God for just Him, even when he doesn’t move the mountains I want him to, I am leaning on Him to help me have faith in me again, In my own abilities.
I have left my dreams in his hands, I letting him dream for me, I am going to move and just hope and pray He guides my steps and sustains me, even praying his grace will be able to keep me, I feel stuck like I am the only who never become who they thought they would be, or just not doing great things, I feel I am suffocating with frustrations but I am trusting, yes I am struggling and truth is somedays are better than others and I am being taught to SERVE and GIVE everything I have now until He decides to open doors I didn’t think he can open. I am not going to sit and wait on my dreams to happen, No, I will move, I will create, I will step out even with my whole being shaken but I will hope that he will come through and sustain, I will wait for him to open doors I just don’t even know or see are there, maybe despite every fear I am facing He is calling me to CRAZY FAITH, After all only He knows how my story ends, He knows more than I will ever know, He knows what the future holds, He won’t show it all right now but I am sure step by step he will reveal somethings to me, who knows what this will be, none but him. Just in all this I am reminded of Mark 11:22 Jesus said “Have faith in God” so that is what I am struggling and trying to do each day.
I don’t and I won’t pretend I have my faith under control and that it is perfect No, I know I am not the only one, I hope if you find yourself at the place that I am, You hold on a little longer, you trade your dreams for God’s, You serve him with all you have in the place that he puts you until he decides you have learnt what he is teaching, Our struggles are always different but our God is the same and his mercy never comes to an end and that his faithfulness is true, Great is He. Now some days this will be easy to remember sometimes it won’t but no matter what happens or how hard to remember this is don’t let your dreams or his dream for you die, even if they seem like they will take forever just like Langston Hughes, wrote. Hold fast to dreams For if dreams die Life is a broken–winged bird That cannot fly. Hold fast to dreams For when dreams go Life is a barren field Frozen with snow. Until them let’s spend our days asking God to remind us of his faithfulness, His love, His grace and most of all let us ask him to help us sense His spirits leading and let’s be honest when our faith needs help from Him for He is the Lord. just like Mark 9:24 says “Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do BELIEVE; help me overcome my UNBELIEF!” we all need help with our faith every now and then,
Sometimes Him moving us will take crazy faith from us and only He can help us with that.