I have been on Facebook since 2009, I got so attached to my Facebook account that when my life took a huge turn I opted out. I did not want to be reminded of everything that I had lost and I wanted to leave behind. I missed people I talked to only on Facebook. I created a new Facebook account, this meant I was starting over. Contrary to all the friends I had in my old account, this new account had few friends, I lost connections with some of my Facebook friends whose posts I enjoyed, my pictures which told lots of stories were gone. I felt strange in this new account, It almost felt like it was someone else’s.
This made me think about life, those moments we throw in the towel, when we have had just about enough of what life can offer. I mean we all go through that right? There are places that life has taken us that we never wanna go back we wanna forget everything about that particular time. Well I have come to realize that you can move on from something, you might even start to forget about that pain or hurt or person that you are trying to let go, but true healing doesn’t end with you just letting go, the real deal is when you make the decision to start over. yes you have let go and moved on but you ain’t getting nowhere if you don’t pick up the pieces and start over, boy have I learnt how gradual and painful this is.
Having to start over from all the progress that you have made is painful, especially building a life apart from everything you knew and loved is hard and harsh, sometimes though, that’s the only way you are able to find you
My journey to healing has been one of the hardest things I have had to go through in Life. I have cried more than I have cried in all my 22 years of being on this earth. I would like share a little about how my healing journey has been. When I first got out of my relationship, mind you this is someone I thought I would definitely end up being married to and also we had been through a lot together and I thought nothing could possibly break us or come between us. I went through denial, I ended the relationship, yes but also I had hoped this person would at least fight for me or us whatever works, when he did not I was broken, I couldn’t imagine life without the late night or the all night calls, the constant texting, the jokes and the funny dances we had shared, the flowers or the piggy back rides the list goes on. Part of me wanted to still believe we could work it out and I wanted to fight for it but you can’t fight for something that’s not there anymore or maybe its there but you have lost power and control over it because you just have too many people involved and its a mess.
Eventually, I accepted it was over, but I was very bitter, and too hurt to focus. I wanted to forget anything about him, I left Facebook, I stopped going to my home church, I wanted to quit my Job, I got rid of everything and everyone that reminded me of him. According to me I was moving on, I wanted to be fine that is the first mistake I made.I was running away.
The second mistake I made was wondering what he thought about me, When I heard he was with someone else, I still had strong feelings and love for this person and this hurt me to the core. I questioned if what we had had been real. I wondered what he was saying to her? if she was better than me? I would wonder if he treated her they way he treated me? I felt crappy, I felt like I wasn’t good enough, I blamed myself for the break up, I was a mess. I realized I was going fast but in a very wrong direction and I had to stop, regroup and start over, oh boy! it was hard. First I had to leave all the control to God, I was beat, I was TIRED.
My pastor helped me realize the difference between letting go and starting over, so I made the decision to start over even though it meant going back to everything I was running away from. I needed to pick up the pieces and start over. When I made this decision, My journey to healing began,I finally started over. I wish I could say this was a walk in the park but it wasn’t. First I had to be vulnerable and sensitive to what God was doing in my life. I had to forgive myself, I had blamed myself for ending the relationship, I believed I was not a good person and I wouldn’t make anyone happy. I took responsibility for my actions and the mistakes I had made but I needed to forgive myself.I wasn’t in a position to forgive someone else when I didn’t know how to forgive me.
During this time God showed just how much he is willing to forgive and also how much he forgives me because I sin a lot, he forgives me much, He also showed me how much pain, hurt and anger I had in me from my past hurts(by the way this is a story for another time).I became vulnerable, I am a very private person but during this time God helped me to let people in, let them see my pain. I wouldn’t have made it without my awesome, amazing girlfriends and some of my loyal and caring guy friends, who listened to me, prayed with me or for me, wiped my tears, reminded me how tough and strong I am even though at this time I felt very weak and I would always ask myself how could I be so stupid? The likes of Pempho and Taps cried with me, not forgetting Va,Tarrita and Ruth who got mad because there was nothing they could do to ease my pain, or Dani who was just there without asking questions.
I Changed a lot, I cried less, and I prayed a lot. I started healing when I released all the pain, anger and bitterness which I kept inside. forgiving myself made it easier to forgive others and release them. I forgave him, God helped me understand that; He was doing something in my life that was bigger than myself. I also learnt that this guy’s part in my story was done. I was going into the next chapter of my life and God wanted it to be without him so there was no point wishing and wanting to put him there. When I realized this I grew in my faith, I began to pray for him, I wish him all the best and I want him to be happy from the bottom of my heart.
I met him with a girl and this didn’t hurt, maybe It is his season to fall in love, I am able to talk to him and who ever he is with, with a smile on my face because it is their story. It’s not my season to be in love it is my season to heal. This pain made me learn a lot about God and myself, somehow I think it helped me find me.
I am still healing, truth is I am stronger than I was, more in love with God that I have ever been in my whole life, driven now than before, I know what I want and Who I am. Someday I know God is gonna decide to write my final love story but until then am enjoying knowing this amazing guy who has given it all for me. There are times I think about what I have lost but it doesn’t hurt because I have taught myself to focus on the positive, the things this person helped me overcome, truth is I don’t think this person is a bad person, if they were then I wouldn’t have stayed with them for such a long time but like I said earlier its all about seasons of life and what God is doing. His part in my story is done and one way or the other he had to go so I rejoice, I hope, and I smile for I know whats ahead of me is exactly what God wants me to have and its way better.
God’s word is the greatest encouragement I have known and found, His word says: He does not despise a broken heart and a contrite spirit, Psalm 51:17, He didn’t despise mine, He never left me alone, There were times I felt he was too silent, or he didn’t care enough about me. I didn’t understand why he let me hurt so much and all I wanted to do was stay in my bed to awaken a year later, but God was holding onto me in that moment, wanting me to realize that all this was for my good which is something I didn’t want to hear but He never gave up on me. He is such an awesome God.
‘Zechariah 10:New International Version (NIV)
The Lord Will Care for Judah
10 Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime;
it is the Lord who sends the thunderstorms.
He gives showers of rain to all people,
and plants of the field to everyone.’
He is able to heal, able to do whatever he says he will, he is love and I have learnt there is no greater love than His,
‘Ephesians 3:20 New International Version (NIV)
20 Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us,’
God’s hands are all over my life. I love every minute I spent in his presence, I am honest with him about my feelings and worries. He is gat me and that my soul is happy about. He made me realize who I am in him, He helped me find me and that is enough for me. I know I have to constantly remind myself of His love but its the most amazing love I have known and will ever know all my life.
There are somethings are wish I never did like quitting my home church because truth is this is the place I have healed so much, It is where I have learned about seasons, it is where I can worship God and enjoy doing that. Am glad so glad I went back to my Flood family because that is where my healing began. This is my leggo house